Earlier postings have discussed how they obtain the diagnosis but here is a recap. Persons themselves may notice changes in their memory. They don’t want to admit to themselves much less to their doctor or family. Sometimes family who hasn’t seen mom or dad in a while notice changes. Some things that stand out may be that attention to personal hygiene is lacking or unpaid bills are on the table or checks are being written to multiple unknown organizations. You noticed that she was driving in her own neighborhood and became disoriented. These signs may come on slowly or come on like an elephant falling into quicksand. These situations are of concern and when you mention them your parent may become defensive, angry, and upset thinking you believe they have lost their mind.
Here is an interaction (story) between a woman I’ll call Betty and her daughter Muriel. During a visit Muriel noticed Betty’s hygiene, unpaid bills and donations to charities. “I noticed there are several unpaid bills here such as your electricity and insurance notices. Would you like me to go over them with you?” Betty with a furrowed frown on her face immediately and in an angry loud tone responds, “I paid those see these are receipts just give me those WHAT!! you think I don’t know how to write a check?”
Clearly many bills have not been paid with 2nd and 3rd notice stamped on a few. Muriel now gently approaches her about checks being written to various “charities” (possibly scam organizations.) Muriel asks, “did you mean to give your money to the ‘African Elephant Society and the organization that houses skunks?” To save face Betty says, “of course I did, it’s my money and I can do what I want with it!” They talk while Muriel respectfully suggests she would like to help her manage her bills, checkbook, and credit cards without taking total control. Betty hesitates with some reluctance but agrees. Betty makes her final intention known to Muriel, “It’s still my money you know, it belongs to me!” Muriel acknowledges.
Remember, they are vulnerable adults who cannot distinguish a scam from legitimate charities, and they get scammed sometimes out of life savings. Agreeing with the person that you understand the value they place on their money, and you are there to make sure it is protected. Perhaps removing credit cards and suggesting she not write any checks until you see her next week would be helpful. This way she has control with supervision that assures no scammers get her money and legitimate necessary checks be sent out in a timely manner.
Her final words to you this day “It’s still my money.” You answer lovingly “yes, it is.”
Having lost her short-term memory means she probably won’t remember this conversation. Your dedication to her safety on all fronts will be necessary.
#dementia, #denial, #memory changes